Miscellany, Peeved Punjabi, Writing

How To make people uncomfortable


I’m writing HowTos at work too, so why not just put some of those creative juices to work here, eh? This is (could be, uh, would be if you participated) a highly interactive HowTo. Other interactive posts, however, have all failed to cause any interaction. Put bluntly, they have ALL sunk into oblivion like Atlantis, but without the legend.

Anyway, inspired by those supreme masters of the art, (check out this fantastic example),

here is the latest HowTo.

It is cunningly called HowTo Make People Uncomfortable, or HowTo Lose Friends and Depress People. For best results, remember, you must make it seem purely accidental. Act like it never happened. As if you have no idea. You are oblivious, devoid of sensibility, you have ceased to care.

<Further reading: Gamesmanship by Stephen Potter. No, it has nothing to do with Harry, wizardry of the wand waving type or white bearded wizards, wizened but but not wise enough to predict or control destiny. >

So here are the top 10, in descending order. Please fee free to add your own. Yes, that’s the interactive bit. If you don’t then you shall not be interacting and then this blog post will not be interactive. I have, however, called it interactive, so you may as well interact and and fulfill our prophecy. Who knows, this could be the brightest part of your day. If it indeed is, I shall quietly roll my eyes and thank the lord for giving me a life that does not totally suck; like yours right now.

And now finally…..

10. At a formal any affair, show up in brown khakis, with black dress shoes, grey socks and a pink button down shirt. Bonus points for having your phone in your shirt pocket. If female, then, either a one-shoulder, brown dress with red shoes or one of those dinky little jackets, with turquoise shoes. Make sure the handbag is gold.

9. Refuse to shake hands upon being introduced because “I’m getting a cold and I don’t want to infect anyone. I hope I’m carrying enough Kleenex.”

8. Wait till dinner then tell everyone about your allergies and how it makes your nose water. and sweat. “Oh, no, it’s the not the spicy curry! It’s my allergies that make my nose run”.

7. Overuse the  phrase, “to be honest with you”. Simply add it to the end of any sentence.  This works even better when there is a third party involved. It doesn’t matter what the sentence is, to be honest with you. See?

Wayne Gretzky, New York Rangers.
Wayne Gretzky, New York Rangers. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

6.This requires a bit of prep work. Find out what the group’s favorite pastime is. Then make an outrageous comment on it. For example, say you are in Canada and the group has just settled down to talk about last night’s hockey game. Wait for 2 minutes then say “I don’t really know too much about hockey, to be honest with you. See? But I’ve often wondered how much better Gretzky would have been if he had played for the Leafs as a defenceman”.

5. One for the office. Arrive at a meeting ahead of time. You are almost certain to find the room already occupied by a previous meeting. Stand outside the door, peer in anxiously, make sure someone inside notices you, then check the time on your watch / phone.

4. Go grocery shopping in tight sweat pants. Carry your keys, phone, handbag / purse in one hand and a large iced drink in the other. Try pushing the shopping cart with each hand alternately.

3. At the airport when priority boarding is announced, stand up immediately and stand in line, 5 back. Then pull out your phone, check something and step out of line with a muttered “oh, priority?”

2. On Facebook update your status to let everyone know just how much you love shopping for socks.

So, now, we’re at the number 1 way to make people feel uncomfortable. This is 100% guaranteed, folks!! Money back if not satisfied.

1. Tell them you write a blog. 


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