Not responsible

As the header says, I refuse to take the responsibility for the sounds in your head. Should you continue you agree not to hold me accountable for any after-effects.

Have you ever noticed how certain sounds just entrench themselves into your mind and refuse to let you go? I mean, for example, this whiny thing from Elton John. (And we’re off!)

Yes, it won’t be a great sacrifice if that song and I lived in separate worlds. The words are too long for the verse sometimes and Mr John really does sound whiny amongst the synthesizers and the drum machine. This was a regular at parties back in the day when the world was a younger place and my heart could take the McDowell’s No. 1 whiskey and two amplifiers feeding two sets of speakers in tandem.

So, now that we have managed to insidiously tuck Elton into the brain, I’d like to introduce Ms Benatar. Not “Hit me with your best shot”, no, that’s not half bad. A bit heavy on the power chords but doesn’t hold up against “Love is a Battlefield”. Once again, there’s the 80’s obsession with synths and drum machines and repetitive whining.

As whiny as that is, it does not compare to James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”. Every time those words come along a fairy sneezes somewhere amongst the carefully groomed gardens of Madeline Bassett.

There are some dishonourable mentions, such as

John Denver – Country Roads: whiny

Disney – It’s a small world: “The bells! The bells! Make them stop”How many babies have been traumatized by this, I wonder?

The Association – Cherish with it’s low drone.

The BeeGees – How deep is your love. Actually anything by those falsetto freaks

The B52s – Rock Lobster: That pop-pop-pop-pop-po-po-pop riff is like a happy stapler without his medication

Paul and Stevie – Ebony and Ivory: Likely to cause instant diabetes.

The Eagles – Lyin’ Eyes: Ok – we got it! She’s a whore who is beginning to regret it because he’s a lonely old man who can’t get it up and the ex-boyfriend is having second thoughts now. Can you cut out a few of the verses ? And re-write the chorus while you’re at it?

Lionel Richie – Hello: Too many people have already made fun of it, so I won’t bother.

Phil Collins – In the Air: Takes 37 seconds just to get to the keening singing. And no – that fluke of a drum solo does not save it!!

Eric Clapton – Wonderful Tonight, Stevie Wonder – I Just called: Yawn inducing rather than annoying. Just wake me up after they both go….

But now we’re getting to the real stuff, the songs that make your skin stretch, your eyes pop and your hands twitch. The real deal – songs so annoying that they will will haunt you all day like a Facebook friend that doesn’t understand that s/he is being ignored. The top 3 in descending order. Which means #3 then #2 and finally #1.

Envelope, please!

#3 – The Police “Roooooxanne”. The sound of Sting committing a public nuisance. Change channels – quick!

#2 – Madonna “Holiday”. Or whatever the hell she’s singing. Until I looked it up I had no idea she was singing the word ‘holiday’. From the synths and drum machines to that insanely annoying “Holiday, Celebrate” this little gem is trotted out at most parties at critical moments. Time for another stiff drink, barkeep!

And the #1 annoying song is…..

from Bollywood. This is a major hit, people. The movie goes well over 3 hours and is a cops and robbers script that naturally needs 9 songs of varying quality to tell the story. This song is it’s crowning achievement. I have not seen the movie nor do I intend to. In case you’re wondering. The song is nearly 8 and half minutes of suggestive lyrics and a constant tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk-tuk that will shrivel your soul.

* a translation of sorts is attempted here:

Choli – is the mirrored, backless, colored, sexy top she’s wearing. Peeche – behind, or in this case “under”. So “What’s behind/under that sexy top?”

The answer is “a heart”.

Hah! What did you think it would be?

Here it is.